


Excess Baggage

by BlingBlingMaknae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Books, Flashbacks, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mild Smut, Moving On, Romance, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-10-19 23:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20665823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlingBlingMaknae/pseuds/BlingBlingMaknae
Summary: Kim Minseok was a lifeless sack stuck lingering in his olden days until a splash of bright, vivid colors came in his life in the form of Kim Jongdae. He thought he loved him; or maybe he reminded Minseok of someone else.





	1. 1/3

**Author's Note:**

> Themes & things to expect: bookworms and lit enthusiasts xiuchen, flashbacks about cheating and betrayal, lingering in the past, broken hearts, brief smut, fem!Lu, Top!Seok, MURAKAMIIIII, LYRICSS, happy ending
> 
> P.s I havent finished any Murakami yet so pls dont ask me aodndlxmdmx

_ 'But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning.' _

"Hyung, you are reading  _ that  _ again?" The reader's eyes left the book he was reading and glanced at his brother who, at 7 in the morning, already looked haggard from preparing hangover soup and breakfast.

"I wonder why you are still surprised. You know how The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle is my favorite." Minseok answered without reverting his eyes away from the book. He reached for a can of beer that casually lied on his nightstand and took a sip.

"Jesus, hyung, it's too early!" Joonmyeon tried to snatch the can away only for Minseok to retract his hand and place the can on the bed.

"Myeon, this has been my weekend routine for years." Minseok chuckled at his brother. "What's with today that you are nagging?"

"Well, because you drank several bottles of soju yesterday like they were nothing, and that you still have the energy to drink beer the first thing in the morning. You'll die early."

"Stop exaggerating." Joonmyeon sighed at the reply and looked at the elder with a meaningful stare.

"Minseok hyung, you should at least read happier books."

"I do. It is just that I enjoy this type of book more."

The other shrugged and tapped the cover gently. "Breakfast is ready."

"Mmm." The elder went back to reading and the other shook his head as he exited the room. Minseok followed several minutes later and watched as his brother attempted to wake their youngest brother up.

"Jongin, wake up. Wake the fuck up please." The distressed brother tapped the other who ended up sleeping on the floor the whole night.

"Five more minutes, Myeon hyung." Jongin groaned, burying his face on his arm.

"You'd go drinking so much only to end up dozing off on the floor. Jesus." Joonmyeon rolled his eyes and kicked Jongin's shin who let out a long, annoyed groan and curled like a fetus.

"Jongin-ah," Minseok gently called as he neared his brother and patted his head. "If you still want to sleep, at least do so on your bed."

"Lazy." The youngest mumbled. Before Joonmyeon could nag more, Minseok hoisted Jongin up and carried him to the room. Jongin hummed unintelligible words as he curled into a ball on the sheets and Minseok left the room chuckling.

"You keep spoiling Jongin." Joonmyeon commented as he playfully glared at his elder brother. The latter laughed and shook his head.

"He just needs some affection and guidance, you know. Better give what eomma and appa couldn't do so."

"You are right though." Joonmyeon muttered as they sat down to eat. He spoke again after a few moments of silence. "I hope that you are alright too, hyung."

Minseok got what the other meant. "I am getting better, I guess."

  
  


More like coping and trying his best to move on from what transpired years ago, but at least, he was trying.

  
  
  
  


Minseok loved going to the library.

Walking through the shelves and searching for books always felt like a new experience. Reaching for a new book and flipping through the crisp pages magically took him away from the matters of life. Inhaling the sweet smell of timeworn and antique books brought upon him a sense of fulfillment and serenity.

Something about the library separated him from the meaningless reality to a realm full of all things wonderful. He loved delving into brick-like books to search for knowledge. He often reflected on the thought-provoking inquiries and realities he came across on. His adventurous spirit came to life every time he portrayed the vivid scenes of the novels he read. He longed for the harrowing shadow of gloom looming over him as he read of forlorn stories and thoughts, further pushing him to the abyssal depths of his soul. He yearned for the encouraging and enlightening sentiments that helped give hope to his dolor-filled self.

Minseok felt at home there… like he belonged there.

It became part of his monthly routine to visit there once in a while to give him a break from his stressful job. He was so used to getting books, sitting there the whole day and taking a book or two home that he never anticipates what happened that particular day.

_ "The concept of time had vanished from my head. Today comes after yesterday, tomorrow comes after today. The sun comes up, the sun goes down; the moon rises, the moon sets; tide comes in, tide goes out." _

Oh, how it defined his life.

He closed the book with big inscription of  _ Dance Dance Dance _ , intending to read another one. His 20/20 vision immediately enabled him to see the book he was looking for. He walked towards the book's direction and when he was so, so near, a hand bumped with his own.

He looked over at the hand that grasped the book at the same time with him. It belonged to a timid-looking, gentle young man dressed in a cozy cream-colored sweater and sweats. His fluffy brown strands crowned his small face perfectly and everything about the stranger screamed attractive. The latter immediately retracted his hand in embarrassment and bowed a little in apology.

Minseok reached for the book and to the other's surprise, was extended towards him.

"You can have it."

"N-No. You can take it." The flustered youngster shook his head and gently pushed the book towards Minseok.

Minseok was persistent. "I insist. This has been like the tenth time I read it anyway."

The other's eyes sparkled in wonder. "Tenth time? Seriously?"

"Yup." Minseok hoped he did not sound smug with his tone.

"I don't believe you."

"Test me."

The other flipped the book to a random page and read a certain text. "If you only read the books that everyone else is reading…"

"You can only think what everyone else is thinking." Minseok answered smoothly.

The other raised his brows in surprise. "'I was always hungry for love…'"

"Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once."

The stranger gasped, stunned. "You know every single word."

"I know them by heart. Norwegian Wood is one of my favorites." Minseok's lips curled into a small smile. "How about you?"

"I only got into Murakami last month so I am new to him. Though, I read Kafka on the Shore twice."

Minseok thought for a while. "Memories warm you up from the inside."

"But they also tear you apart."

"Happiness is an allegory."

"Unhappiness a story."

"Silence, I discover—"

"Is something you can actually hear."

"Not bad." Minseok acknowledged. "What's on your reading list now?

"I am just starting Sputnik Sweetheart though The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle interests me. I heard A Wild Sheep Chase is good. 1Q84 is next."

"Put The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle first. Call me biased, but personally, I know you won't regret reading it. Try searching for the missing chapters as well."

"Missing chapters?"

"Yup. The translator cut a lot of words. I actually tried learning Japanese, and made a self-translation of the chapters from the original Japanese manuscript. I can give them to you if you want."

"You translated it yourself?"

"Yup."

"Wow, amazing. Is it really okay with you to give me a copy?"

"Of course."

"You are so generous. Thank you."

"It's nothing."

"Any more recommendations?"

"What I Talk about when I Talk about Running is a must if you are a runner or writer. A Wild Sheep Chase somewhat takes you to the universe of the story, and it would be a waste if you won't prod the deeper meaning of the book. Regarding 1Q84, you will either love or hate it. There is no middle ground."

"Why?"

"Just see for yourself."

"Unfair."

"Hah. It is more unfair for me who read the whole 900+ pages to tell a clueless stranger about it."

The other huffed and blew his bangs and a chuckling Minseok found himself engaging on a literary conversation with the other.

It was the first time in ages that he felt genuinely into the conversation, and on top of it, with a stranger. Maybe it was the stranger's innocent yet reflective responses and insights, large reservoir of knowledge regarding literature, hearty chuckles that seemed like silver chimes or the pleasant aura he gave off. The thing was, Minseok enjoyed the conversation and it sucked how he forgot to ask the other's name.

  
  
  
  


The new semester finally started. Students and faculty members walked through the gates, proceeding to their respective buildings and colleges. Minseok, by luck, came early despite the unexpected traffic jam induced by a vehicular accident. It was no surprise that his first class had many empty seats and that some students came an hour later than the call time.

As he entered his last class for the morning shift, he barely looked at the students and immediately wrote his name on the board. He turned to the students, intending to introduce himself a bit before proceeding with the class discussion when his eyes met a mutually surprised set of orbs boring through his.

_ It's him. _

  
  


"I hope you all learned a lot today. Have a great day. Class dismissed." Minseok said after making a roll call of all the present students. Echoes of 'thank you, sir' rang in the room and Minseok observed how the students dispersed in number. A particular figure clad in a loose, baby blue hoodie, dark jeans and worn out rubber shoes shyly motioned towards the professor's table and Minseok became certain of the other's identity.

"What a small world it is, Kim Jongdae-sshi." Minseok smiled, remembering the other's name upon reading it out loud from his class record despite the fact the professor was generally poor with names. The kid was just so remarkable as he was the first in years who Minseok had a comprehensive and insightful conversation with.

Jongdae seemed to be in disbelief and he stayed speechless for a few seconds before speaking. "Excuse me, but how old are you?"

"I am in my early 30s."

"Early 30s!?" Jongdae gasped and Minseok chuckled at the younger's reaction.

"What?"

"You are joking."

"I am not." Minseok fished his wallet out of his pocket and pulled out his professional license and national ID. He went to the extent of flashing his faculty ID in front of an astonished Jongdae. He raised a single brow to get his student's attention and the other awkwardly laughed.

"Heh. My apologies. Sir, it is just, I thought you were young, even younger than me, that I cannot believe that you are a professor…  _ my  _ professor."

"I don't know if that's a compliment, but you're not bad yourself." Minseok remarked. He observed how self-conscious his student became as the latter hurriedly smoothed his top and fixed his hair.

_ Cute. _

"So what is your major?"

"Economics."

"Nice. Didn't really expect that from an avid literature fan."

"Didn't expect that you would be my professor as well."

"Well, you did not tell me you study in this prestigious university. Brilliant kid, I see. I expect a lot from you, Jongdae-sshi."

"I don't know if that is supposed to be encouraging or pressuring." Jongdae rubbed his nape in nervousness.

"Take what I said as both." Minseok stood up, gathering his things and stared straight in Jongdae's eyes. "I hope to see you excelling in my class."

"I will do my best, sir." Jongdae grinned and he followed as Minseok went out of the room.

  
  
  


Weeks flew by.

Jongdae was good. Very good. He was not the type to recite voluntarily, but whenever he did, he shared such rich insights that left Minseok impressed. His concentration in class never wavered and one could see how Jongdae genuinely enjoyed Literature unlike some students who were apparently forced to listen and deal with everything Minseok taught. He often stared at Minseok with wondering eyes whenever the professor taught something new. Jongdae also had this habit of pushing his big, nerdy glasses to his nose bridge whenever he read something from the board as well as twirling his pen betwixt his fingers as he thought of the answers on quizzes and exams.

Jongdae's written assignments were among the best. Minseok found it hard to believe how Jongdae was not a Lit major with all the heartfelt essays, intricately written poems, critical analyses and profound thoughts he submitted and recited.

There were some things that Minseok noticed in his student. Jongdae was kind and gentle to everyone, never hesitating to extend a helpful hand to the point Minseok once chided him for attempting to help a classmate recite. He, at least in class, never bragged about his achievements and remained modest. He was friends with everyone, laughing and occasionally whining at them during the times the professor saw the other along the hallway or in the cafeteria. The thing was, Jongdae did not have any solid group. It was as if he purposely set a thin, invisible wall between him and his peers. He mostly preferred solace especially when he reviews for his exams and didn't go out during breaks.

Most of the time too, Jongdae seemed tired, his eye bags and entire aura showing how stressed he was. There were rare times his head tipped to the side during the days he was apparently exhausted from whatever consumed his energy. He looked pitiful to the point Minseok did not have the heart to call him out.

It was during a particular weekend that Minseok knew the answer to his question; when he went to his favorite cafe.

The cafe was neither busy nor idle that afternoon, with a few people staying and the majority having take outs. Two businessmen sat across the air conditioner, their conversation apparently about sealing a business deal. A couple opted to stay at a private corner, the girl giggling numerous times at the animated storytelling of her beau. Two set of friends were on separate tables, the first one a bunch of five noisy teens and the second group a quiet, reserved trio. A lone figure chose a spot near the window, watching some Korean drama on her cellphone. Minseok, as usual, went to his favorite spot; the area by the wall. The temperature there was just right and the lighting was neither blaring nor dim. He was too engrossed in the game of sudoku he played in his phone that he did not notice someone approaching him.

"Can I take your order, sir?"

Minseok knew that certain lilt in the person's voice. True enough, when he looked up, he was met by the sunlit eye smile of his student.

"Jongdae?"

The other playfully winked and grinned at Minseok. "The one and only."

"Is it your first day?"

"I had been working here for months already."

"But I never saw you around."

"I never saw you here as well."

"But I am a regular customer…" Minseok trailed off upon realization. "Ahh, it is my first time coming here during weekends."

"That's why. I only work at night on weekdays and the first shift during weekends. Order?"

_ That explains. Maybe that is also why he is  _ _ constantly tired. _

"Americano, iced pls, and cheesy mushroom sandwich."

As Jongdae diligently wrote down the order, Minseok could only stare at him. With a beige bandanna on his fluffy hair, green apron over his black ensemble and his brows knitting together as his nimble fingers held the pen, Jongdae looked so cute in Minseok's opinion. He was his the same dedicated self at the academe; he just looked more adorable right now.

As Jongdae flew behind the counter to work on the order, the cafe owner and manager that Minseok knew so well appeared from the kitchen's doorway and dashed towards him.

"Yo, Baek," Minseok greeted as Baekhyun held his fist for a brofist.

"What brought you here at weekend? Ain't busy with work?"

"Nah. I only have a seminar to attend to tomorrow. I thought of visiting you."

"Who can you fool, hyung? You only care for the coffee and toast." Both chuckled at the remark.

In no time, Jongdae was back, serving Minseok's order. It was apparent how surprised he was seeing his boss with his prof yet he still managed to bow.

Baekhyun turned to his employee. "Dae, this is my good friend Minseok. He was my senior in high school."

Before Jongdae could open his mouth, Minseok beat him onto it. "Baek, Jongdae knows me well. He is my student."

"Really?" Baekhyun's mouth formed into an 'o' as the information sank in. His eyes suddenly lit up and Minseok did not like the glint in them. "Hohoho, Minseok hyung. Is this the student who you—"

_ "Jongdae,"  _ Minseok's voice suddenly raised a volume higher than usual, "may I have an additional matcha frap and avocado toast for Baekhyun? The bill's on me."

"Noted, sir. Just a few minutes." Jongdae bowed and went back in the kitchen. Right after he was gone, Minseok threw his phone towards Baekhyun.

"Y-Yah!" Baekhyun barely managed to catch it thanks to the table edge's help. "I was just asking."

"The fuck you need to do that in front of him?" Minseok hissed at the younger. "Yes, it is him. Now can you shut up?"

Baekhyun narrowed his eyes and smiled teasingly, but he needed to stop when Minseok threatened to poke his eyes with two fingers.

"Fine, I'll zip my mouth for real." Baekhyun promised and leaned a bit when he was sure Minseok would not murder him. The order soon came and they talked about Jongdae.

"Hyung, you have great taste. Jongdae is an asset of the cafe. He works so hard and never did anything half-assed."

"He's the same in my class. He never slacked off." They watched as Jongdae got and served orders. He was so energetic, so enthusiastic with his job that Baekhyun could not help but praise him.

"In the entire history of this cafe, he is the only one who is on par with me in making beverages. He also helps Kyungsoo make pastries and toasts and sometimes substitutes the cashier when absent. In all honesty, before I release new products, I always ask for his second opinion. Such a talented and nice kid he is. The only flaw he has is that he lives a difficult life."

"Difficult life?"

Baekhyun heaved a deep sigh, his face morphing into one filled with pity. "Yes. Poor child's parents divorced when he was just a toddler. He moved from Gyeonggi and was left to the care of his grandparents in Yangsan. Grandfather died from a heart attack, and years later, his grandmother followed. His aunt who lives in Gyeonggi asked him to move in with her, but after a few years, he left for Seoul. Fortunately, even if he vowed never to come back to Gyeonggi, his aunt still sends some allowance every month. Really, though, if not for his scholarship and this job, he can never survive life here."

Minseok had a hard time digesting what he just heard. Jongdae emanated all things positive, and to think he went through a lot—still going through a lot—and still managed to smile and spread warmth as if everything was okay was inconceivable to Minseok. Such a strong individual Jongdae was.

However, something was not clear to Minseok.

"Why doesn't he want to go back in Gyeonggi?"

There came no answer.

"Because I mean, if it is because of universities here, I understand why, but with his case right now, I am certain that life would be easier with his aunt caring for him."

It took Baekhyun a few moments before he replied.

"Hyung, I am in no position to talk. This isn't really about universities and is more of a private matter."

Minseok stayed silent, perturbed. What was this private matter that made Jongdae swear to not step his foot in that place again? What happened in Gyeonggi that Jongdae chose the difficult path just to get out of that place?

"Such an unfortunate kid. He does not deserve all the shit he goes through." Minseok flinched when Baekhyun suddenly tapped his shoulder. "Hyung, be nice to him, okay? And for the love of God, do not fail him. He badly needs this scholarship."

"Even if I want to fail him, I cannot, as his excellent academic performance doesn't give me any reason to do so." Minseok mused.

"Good, good. Hope he remains focused and not fall out of the scholarship. Studying is the only thing that keeps him going."

Minseok remained bothered the rest of the afternoon.

  
  
  


Time passed without them realizing, and soon, Jongdae was out of the kitchen, wearing regular clothes and carrying his bag.

"Hyung, Sir, I better go ahead. Ahri is already here." He said as he approached the two.

Baekhyun glanced at his female employee who just started her shift and at the wall clock. "Wow, it's already 3:00PM. Wait a sec." Baekhyun ran towards the kitchen, leaving the two awkwardly exchanging stares.

Baekhyun went back holding a paper bag full of pastries and handed it to his employee. "I forgot to prepare it earlier."

"H-Hyung, this is way too much than what you usually give us." A wide-eyed Jongdae extended it to the elder who only pushed the bag towards him.

"Just take it, son. Exams week is on the way, right? You need to boost your energy up for your brain to work." Baekhyun clenched his fist and held it up. "Kid, you gotta ace everything, okay? Fighting!"

"Thank you, hyung. Thank you so much." Jongdae engulfed the elder in a grateful embrace that had Baekhyun and Minseok smiling.

Minseok finally spoke after the two parted. "Jongdae, do you have some time?"

Jongdae seemed adorably confused. "Yes. I have nothing to do. Um, why, sir?"

"Dae, Minseok just wants to ask you ou—ouch!" Baekhyun squeaked when Minseok just dared to step on his foot. The other merely ignored his whining friend and turned to Jongdae.

"The weather is rarely this good so I just want to walk around. Want to come along?"

"Good idea. My body needs to cool down." Jongdae enthusiastically mused and followed Minseok, the two of them leaving a pained yet grinning Baekhyun.

  
  
  


Jongdae did not have a place in mind so he had no problem following Minseok all the way to the nearby park. The sun hung dangerously low at the sky, bound to set earlier than usual due to the approaching autumn. The kids that played for hours soon dissipated, leaving only the two of them sitting on the bench.

The two of them munched on the stuff Baekhyun gave as they sat in silence.

"You are Baekhyun's favorite employee."

Jongdae chuckled awkwardly and shook his head. "Oh no. Baekhyun hyung is nice to everyone. There are things that he does even if he does not need to. He always gives us treats like this and does not lash out on us whenever we cannot make it because of reasons. I feel really grateful for all the kindness he gives me from day one. If it were any other employer, they won't let me set my own schedule, but hyung? He is so understanding."

"Never tell Baekhyun those words. He'll get more conceited than he already is." Jongdae laughed upon hearing that.

"But then, you deserve it, Jongdae. You are an industrious kid after all."

"No." Jongdae rubbed his nape shyly. "I just do my job."

Quietude followed, with Jongdae staring ahead the horizon. Minseok did the same, only that he stole glances every now and then. How could someone like Jongdae, someone who spreads optimism around and someone who sets Minseok's dull world ablaze be emerge from such a tragic past?

"Is there something on my face?" Minseok snapped out of his daze and his face heated up at the refulgent orbs boring cluelessly through his. He didn't know that he was staring, and to be caught in such embarrassing situation urged him to fake a cough.

"Uh, um, nothing." Minseok went back to his position and breathed. "I just want to ask something if it is alright."

"Sure, sir. Go ahead."

"Why don't you want to stay in Gyeonggi?" The question apparently caught the student off guard but the professor found the words tumbling out of his mouth. "I… I am not meddling, okay. Baek just mentioned how you came from there and I wonder why do you endure life in this busy, competitive city."

Half a minute and Jongdae remained still on his seat. Minseok knew he crossed the line and he cleared his throat. "You can refuse to answer of course. I am just your professor after all and this is not the academe. But then… what happens when people open their hearts?"

Jongdae's tensed expression morphed into a knowing smile. "'They get better.' Don't they, sir?"

Minseok simply nodded. Jongdae stretched his weary arms and back, and sighed as he straightened up and started. "How do I start… it is just, a lot happened there. That place is where my parents abandoned and forced me out of their lives as if I am not their own flesh and blood. What kind of parents leave a helpless child?" The bitter laugh that followed pierced through Minseok's chest.

"They left me to my loving grandparents, who gave me all the love that I thirsted for. I gradually forgot of those parents who started their own family without me, because halmeoni and harabeoji filled in all of the void that they left me. Just when I thought that everything is fine, they passed away, leaving me all alone. My aunt was nice, sure, but her daughters… for some reason, they hated me to the core." Jongdae resorted to cracking his knuckles as if trying to relax. "Since then, Gyeonggi felt like hell. I had many friends, but just because of one occurence, those very people who I thought would accept me left. They judged, ostracized, isolated me. They acted as if I was nothing… nothing but trash. They turned their backs on me as if I never mattered to them. They did horrible things I do not want to remember anymore yet still haunt me from time to time."

"What did you even do for them to do those?"

Jongdae gave Minseok a look, one hard look before his lips curled into a gloomy smile.

"Come out."

Minseok did not know how to react.

"You're disgusted, right?" Jongdae turned away and gazed at the sinking sun. "That's what they felt when they knew the truth. I ended up coming out to my best friend, and just like any good best friend, he told other friends, and thus, the news spread. I turned to my other friends, only to be disowned. He claims to be apologetic yet he did nothing when objects were hurled at me, insults and baseless rumors were thrown at me… when I was hit, almost drowned to death, everything."

"You… you endured all of that all alone?"

"Yes."

"Jongdae… how about your aunt?"

"There for me, but her daughters got worse so I chose to leave." Jongdae leaned on the bench and closed his eyes. "It was for the best. I don't want to come back anymore. Life in Seoul is hard, but at least, I won't be reminded of the memories I experienced. In here, I could start anew."

Despite how composed Jongdae tried to be, Minseok saw otherwise. He could tell by the quiver in Jongdae's voice that he was scared, nervously anticipating whatever Minseok would say. Jongdae's hands shook, his body slouched and his tongue licked his dry lips.

Jongdae's lids cracked wide open when a hand patted his shoulder and ruffled his hair.

"Sir…"

"Your life story can be written as a novel."

Jongdae sputtered. "A-Aren't you di-disgusted with m-me?"

"Why will I be?" Minseok smiled. "It is already 2019, yet Korea still lives in the Joseon era, and I definitely refuse to take part in such madness."

"You're messing up with me."

"What will I gain if I do that?" Minseok shook his head. "Jongdae, I can see your reason for hiding it judging from all the potential reactions and everything that happened to you. Still, I hope that you will learn to accept that part of yourself. That's you. When you do not have anyone else, you only have you, so you need to love, accept and embrace every inch of you."

Jongdae still could not believe his ears.

"Stop that." Minseok tapped the other's chin who then closed his mouth. "Jongdae, I assure you that you will find real friends and people who will accept you. They may be rare and difficult to find but they definitely exist. You are a wonderful person, admirable in many aspects, and it is definitely not hard loving you."

Jongdae smiled sweetly. His gleaming eyes crinkled into crescents, his cheeks rose into apples and his lips parted into a shy grin. It was just like  _ someone  _ Minseok knew, someone who left a long time ago—

  
  


"Do you accept me, sir?" Minseok looked up to meet the other's hopeful gaze.

"Of course, my brilliant student." Minseok patted the other's head. "Fret not. I won't say anything about this to others, okay? I am not like that damn best friend of yours. Relax."

Jongdae was usually wary of other people, but Minseok gave off a different aura, the same aura that had him trusting Baekhyun. Maybe he could give it a shot. Maybe he could risk everything. Maybe he could trust Minseok.

"Thank you, sir," were Jongdae's words as his pure smile broke into an onslaught of tears. He mindlessly wiped his tears with the handkerchief Minseok handed him and let himself drown in his professor's reassuring arms.

  
  
  


_ "Why are you so nervous, Seok? You are the team's ace player and I know you would bring home the bacon." _

_ "Se is right, babe. Relax. You gotta relax for now so you can give your all tomorrow. How does some galbi sound? Sehun's treat of course." _

_ "What—who suggested that? Was it me, huh? Seok, teach your girlfriend that if she wants something, she gotta spend for it." _

_ "Pfft, stingy geezer." _

_ "Spoiled brat." _

_ "Minseok! Protect me from this bastard!" _

_ "Minseok…" _

_ "Minseok…" _

_ "Min—" _

Minseok shot up, eyes wide open as he woke up from his dream. He was drenched in cold sweat from the dream—a nightmare—and he stood on his shaky legs to go to the bathroom.

He stood under the cold shower, still in his clothes as if doing so would wash his recurring memories away. He hated how happy he looked with those two—

—those two despicable traitors—

—those two that he lingered in his memories for so many years.

He hated how pretty  _ she _ was, smiling, pouting, whining and simply being herself. He hated how her beautiful face haunted him every time he thought he was okay, that he had already moved on.

He hated how he remember such ethereal beauty in  _ someone _ , and how that someone never failed to remind him of his lovesick days…

_ Of her. _

"I'm fucked." He groaned as he covered his face.

  
  
\---

Quotes:

The Wind Up Bird Chronicle

  * But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning.

Dance Dance Dance

  * The concept of time had vanished from my head. Today comes after yesterday, tomorrow comes after today. The sun comes up, the sun goes down; the moon rises, the moon sets; tide comes in, tide goes out.

Norwegian Wood

  * If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.
  * I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.
  * What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.

Kafka on the Shore

  * Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.
  * Happiness is an allegory. Unhappiness a story.
  * Silence, I discover, is something you can actually hear.


	2. 2/3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andddd I lied lol jk this really was intended to be a two-part story but it turned out longer than expected + I'm stuck on the last part so yeah, here's part 2 of 3

The day was a boring one, to say the least.

Minseok was among the professors who facilitated the students' seminar. All he did was assist the professors and staff speaking and distribute activity evaluation papers. His productive self was never fond of performing such meaningless tasks. As he exited their auditorium, he thought of doing something that would be at least worthwhile for him.

He greeted some professors and students on his way to the music room. He intended to play just a few piano pieces after several months of being away from the white and black keys. Though, as he neared the room, a melody so sweet to the ears slithered in his ears. He slowed down, leaning towards the door to hear more of the uplifting tune.

He carefully opened the door, not wanting to disturb whoever was inside. He saw someone seated on the piano stool, nimble fingers moving on the piano keys. That certain someone sang with so much power and emotions that Minseok found himself mesmerized. He leaned on the door post, arms crossed to his chest as he drowned in the heavenly symphony wafting in the room.

It was as if this mystical angel's voice cleansed his weary soul, bestowing him with the healing and serenity that he had searched for such a long time.

The one before the stool finished playing, unaware of the other presence in the room. He stretched his tensed arms casually, and he almost screamed when claps echoed in the quiet room.

"Goodne—"

"What can you _ not _do?" He was met by the pleased expression of his literature professor who applauded him proudly. "Math, lit, work, and now, even music. What are you?"

"Were you listening?" Minseok's grin said it all, and Jongdae melted into a blubbering, blushing mess. He rubbed his nape and his ears shone in a crimson color as Minseok walked towards him.

"Who taught you to do that?"

Jongdae smiled shyly. "Eomma was a music teacher and Appa was a hub singer so it was expected that they taught me."

"You sure are a talented kid." Minseok enthusiastically mused, shamelessly showing his admiration. "The calm piano melody complemented your powerful vocals in such an unexplainable way. If I didn't know that it was you, I would have thought that it was a professional."

"I don't deserve such praises, Sir." Jongdae could not stop his lips from breaking into a grin no matter how painful his cheeks felt.

"What song was that? It was beautiful yet sounded unfamiliar."

Jongdae was not able to answer readily. "'Beautiful Goodbye.' My own composition."

"You make music?" Jongdae nodded timidly. "Wow, Jongdae. How did you learn to do so?"

"I was never techy nor loved to play outside, so I got used to portraying scenes and situations in my head and writing them down."

"Such an old soul. You never fail to surprise me." Minseok chuckled pleasantly. "Explains why your essays are among the best in the batch."

"It is your hobby to make me flustered, isn't it, Sir." Jongdae whined to which Minseok laughed at.

"Can I play too?" Upon hearing that, Jongdae attempted to stand up, only for Minseok to stop him.

"No. Just give me some space." Jongdae moved to the side as Minseok sat beside him. Their thighs pressed against each other, sharing their body heat seeping through the clothes. Minseok stretched his fingers and proceeded to play Yiruma's River Flows in You. His fingers moved with so much familiarity to the piece and filled the room with the heartfelt melody.

He halted though when he found Jongdae gazing at him with laudation. He shot Jongdae a certain stare, one that the student immediately understood. The latter started playing the same piece, with Minseok joining him. Throughout the hour, they played in sync like they were one person.

When Jongdae bid him goodbye, with the student's dazzling smile directed towards him, Minseok's heart skipped a beat…

Just like how he felt more than a decade ago, when a certain someone waved goodbye at him with the beaming beauty of hers.

  


_ 'It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights traveling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go.' _

Minseok closed the book as he looked outside, admiring the silver moon hanging in the night sky. Its beauty stood out amidst the sheet of darkness draped across the night sky, just like a certain someone. He breathed deeply, stretching his limbs as he did so, and his thoughts fleeted to his student.

"Ah, Jongdae." And a dreamy sigh followed.

  
  


Months passed. The second sem was about to end and Minseok would most likely not see Jongdae around anymore as he wouldn't be his professor. The elder won't admit it, but he visited Baekhyun's cafe more, stayed longer and waited for Jongdae to finish his shift so they could converse. Random conversations by the bus stop were also common. They talked about academics, philosophy, books and life and it was as if the long wait by the bus stop was so short.

There were also days when Minseok would make an excuse to accompany Jongdae to the cafe by 'craving' some food and coffee. Baekhyun often shot them teasing stares, with Jongdae going panicky with all the denying and Minseok simply smiling behind his cup. Jongdae looked so cute that Minseok was often tempted to pinch his cheeks, if only he didn't remember their real relationship.

Student and professor.

Minseok was not stupid; he knew that he already got past the normal student and professor relation with his reckless actions yet he could not help it. Jongdae emitted an aura of warmth, comfort, joy; something Minseok lacked—yearned—for such a long time. He waited for years, years and years, and now that someone as ethereal, bright and warm as Kim Jongdae came to his life, he had a hard time letting him slip away…

No, he would never let Jongdae go.

Never.

  
  


"Thinking of Jongdae?" Minseok's head snapped up from the counter he propped his elbow on. Jongdae called in sick, and Minseok volunteered to take his place in Baekhyun's cafe. He was offered a cup of tea after they cleaned the empty cafe, and to hear Baekhyun ask that question out of the blue caught him off guard.

"No." He flatly answered and took a sip of his tea. Despite his indifference, a knowing Baekhyun saw through it.

"Baek!" Minseok hissed when the younger poked his side. He shot him a reprimanding glare yet Baekhyun remained unfazed.

"Hyung, just admit it." Baekhyun said through a mouthful of cinnamon roll. "You like Jongdae. I knew you for years, and I can tell that something in you changed. Look at you, staying here and working for him, when you'd rather stay chilling at your home. After this, you will also go over his apartment and take care of him. You were never like this before."

"This is the most that I can do for him." Minseok slumped on the table, his face lying on his arm. "Baekhyun, this isn't as easy as you think. Even though the sem is about to end and he won't be my student anymore, it still feels weird. I also do not want to interrupt with his studies especially that he is a scholar. I know I can help with his finances, but still, that kid has goals and to think of me interfering is just too unfair for him."

"But you can tell that Jongdae likes you too." Minseok subtly nodded as he, a man of experience, noticed the same thing. "Odds are, he has an inkling of your feelings for him as well. You had been sending mixed signals to him throughout the year and hell he is confused."

Baekhyun shrugged when Minseok uttered no reply. "Hyung, you have no idea what impact you have in his life. I mean, if you could only see the smile on his face whenever he talks about you, you will get convinced that he does not care about any student and professor issue or that he will get distracted. He makes you happy. You make him happy. Maybe, he is just waiting for you. What's stopping you?"

_ What's stopping you? _

The question disturbed Minseok. What was stopping him?

He always discerned the right things to do on situations, an innate trait of his, so why was such simple situation hard for him to comprehend?

_ What's stopping you? _

Was he not sure of his feelings for Jongdae? Was he not certain that Jongdae was the right one for him? Was it the fear to get hurt again? Was he not yet ready to risk it all?

"Hyung, if this is about those bastards," Baekhyun scoffed through gritted teeth, "just forget them. They are gone. They are insignificant in your life now and I hope that you won't let them interfere with your decisions."

_ Easier said than done. _ The four corners of his room were witnesses to the nights that Minseok thought, dreamed, and cried over the betrayal _ those two _ did to him. Even if those moments gradually lessened as years went by, he knew that his wounds haven't healed.

It pissed him off so much how they already have their own normal lives without him, yet here he was, paralyzed by the chronic pain they left behind after they broke him.

He still has trust issues.

He still has what ifs.

He still long for whatever _they_ had.

He still remember them… _her._

_ Fuck those bastards. _

"Do you think he is worth the try?" He asked in a small voice, like he was a vulnerable child seeking for answers.

"You are the only one who can answer that question." Baekhyun patted his shoulder in comfort. "Is he worth the risk? Is he worth the pain? Are you ready to commit yourself to someone again?"

  
  


"Dae."

"Sir?"

"You're so pretty today."

Minseok gracefully leaned his body to the side, just in time to avoid the fountain of coffee spurting from a startled Jongdae's mouth.

"S-Sir!" A flushed Jongdae glared at the elder yet he still seemed cute in Minseok's eyes. They sat under a tree, with Jongdae's back pressed against the trunk and Minseok sitting across him. They just finished jogging; Minseok invited Jongdae to morning exercises that weekend because the latter had a day off.

"Handsome. Happy?" Minseok playfully poked the other's cheek with his cold canned coffee that had the other swatting his hand.

"T-That's not the point! You really love teasing me, don't you?"

"You make the teasing fun with your outbursts," Minseok chuckled as Jongdae childishly punched his arm.

It was just one of those moments that they went out. They hang out during their free time, eating, exercising, reading and exchanging thoughts; everything that screamed dating. They even exchanged numbers and SNS, calling or chatting when they have free time.

Day by day, they got closer. Both saw each other as books; as you flip through them, you become mesmerized to the new things you see.

Both knew that something was going on between them; both just did not know how to open the topic of being official.

That is, before Minseok gathered his newfound courage to man up.

No way he was letting this precious angel slip away from his grasp.

  


"I used to dream of becoming an astronaut." They stayed at the rooftop of Jongdae's shabby apartment complex. The two simply sat in silence, looking at the sky above Seoul. Besides the colorful lights of the busy city, there was almost not a speck of star. The tiny, dim lights scattered scarcely on the black veil yet somehow, they found tranquility at what little nature they found in the industrialized city.

"Who honestly didn't think that way? Everyone, even just once in their life dreamt to explore the world out there."

"Right." Jongdae stood and leaned against the railings. With a childlike grin he recalled. "In Yangsan, grandma and grandpa did not have any gadgets, internet or whatsoever. Those stuff were too expensive at that time for an old couple who earned their day's keep through menial jobs. Besides singing, stargazing became my daily routine except for rainy days."

"Were the stars there numerous?"

"At that time, yes. They shone so brightly and lit the dark sky so much that the night didn't scare me." Jongdae consciously rubbed his nape as he shyly confessed, "this is embarrassing to admit but once in my life, I dreamed to be an actual star."

"Really?"

"Yes. I was jealous of those stars. They shone so brightly up, up, up in the sky." He looked up the almost starless sky and let the breeze ruffle his hair. "I wanted to shine, to continue twinkling in spite of all the darkness around me."

Minseok sincerely replied. "But you are shining brightly right now."

"I am very far from that." Jongdae shook his head yet smiled at the other. "I have a long way to go, just like how far those stars are from me."

"You can reach your goals one day. Just continue persevering. You may be not like the stars as you think, but for now, you are doing a great job, Jongdae."

A hushed question followed. "You think so?"

"Yes." Minseok headed to the spot beside Jongdae. He rested his elbow on the balcony and gazed into Jongdae's troubled orbs. "How do you see yourself a few years from now?"

"Mmm… I honestly do not know." Jongdae nibbled on his lip as he reflected to himself. "I know what I want to be; an academician and researcher. I want to give light to students' minds, instilling in them the things that they did not know before they entered my classroom. You know that feeling, Sir? They enter your class as empty vessels, and after you pour whatever knowledge you have, they're now filled to the brim. Still, they thirst for knowledge that you are more than willing to feed them."

There was indeed a reason why Minseok liked Jongdae. They click. "That's exactly what made me love teaching."

"The fulfillment that it gives is incomparable and I dream to feel that. I want to help build their career by filling them with knowledge, skills and morals that they need to have in their future work. Regarding research, I would like to do something that would benefit the community and academe. Something that would solve the economic crisis… something that would benefit the unprivileged ones in our society and not only the elites. I want to do all of those… I am just not certain if I will be able to reach those goals."

Jongdae turned to the man beside him who he found was fondly looking at him. His cheeks heated up as Minseok smiled warmly at him due to reasons he was not aware of.

"Ouch!" Jongdae yelped when Minseok suddenly squished his cheeks. The elder's palms pressed against the face of the younger, thus the loud protests that rang in the rooftop.

"You worry to much, Kim Jongdae." Minseok finally let go of the other's poor face and opted to rest his hands on the younger's shoulders. "Listen, kid. You already set the path to your goal, right? You are already fulfilling your duty as a student now that will equip you in your chosen career. You are talented and have survival skills, but then, you still need to maintain what you started. If you will continue striving hard just like how you are doing right now, your dreams shall come true. It may take years, but then, when did anyone have a straight course to their goals? Shit may happen, circumstances may stop you, people may discourage you, but then, never give up. That's your dream, so do well. Work for it."

"But… what if, for example, some things bound to happen would be uncontrollable and I won't be able to reach my dream?"

"If ever life takes you to another path, then strive to be the best in it. See how it benefits you and the others, and you will learn to love it. I can confidently assure you that because in all honesty, I didn't dream to be an academician."

"Really?"

Minseok grinned proudly. "I was supposed to be a national athlete."

Jongdae's jaw fell, flabbergasted. "Seriously?"

"Hah, you have no idea how much I played football back in the days." Minseok mused as he reminisced his past. "Since I was young, I dreamed to be a football player. My parents opposed to it as they wanted me to be a doctor but I was insistent. My friends cheered me up on my dreams and I was determined to be recruited in the national team once I reach college. Shit happened at high school when I was badly injured during an interschool match. I was just a few months to graduation but then, got delayed a year because of that. When the doctor told me that I can still learn to walk but I can never play football again, I was heartbroken. I had a hard time getting over it, and just when I thought everything was okay, more drama occurred and I was left like a lifeless sack. But then, I found refuge in books, from novels to inspirational and academics, and here I am, your professor in literature. This is very far from the Kim Minseok I wanted to be, but I am happy."

"Your life was no joke, sir." Jongdae smiled sweetly after several seconds of silence. "If I were you, I might have wallowed in self-pity for a long time."

"Well, that I did, but my desire to forget those unfortunate things as well as the acceptance of reality pushed me to be productive and do better. Because, why wallow in self-pity when you know that every one of us, not only me or you, is losing something precious. We all have our own struggles and we ought to try our best not to let those overwhelm us."

"Right." Jongdae paused for a while, contemplating, and he suddenly uttered a familiar line. "Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again."

A knowing Minseok nodded. "That’s part of what it means to be alive."

Minseok fixed his eyes on the horizon beyond as everything came rushing back to him. "As far as I can recall, I pitied myself for like… five years? Six? Seven? Even when I was already taking up my course, I was still a ball of turmoil and agony. I had many regrets and what ifs, and my life isn't exactly perfect, but teaching in the academe helped me cope up. When I started working, that was when I realized that it isn't about _ what _ you become to be; it is about _ who _ you become. I may not be Kim Minseok, the national athlete nor I am Kim Minseok, the doctor, but I am Kim Minseok… someone I am very proud of. Wherever I am now, I am contented."

"You're such a fighter, Sir. I am glad that you were able to conquer that dark period of your life."

"Remember what Nagasawa told Watanabe?"

Jongdae thought for a while but he could not tell. "What?"

"'Don't feel sorry for yourself.'"

The two recited in unison whilst laughing. "'Only arseholes do that.'"

"Honestly, just like any normal human being, I still wonder about my purpose in life. I love what I do, but sometimes, it feels mundane. An endless routine. But then, someone came."

"Someone?"

"Yes. Meeting that person solidified my desire to teach. Like, in ways that person did not know, I became inspired. The look in that person's eyes whenever I speak was always filled with genuine curiosity. Every time I say something, that person would attentively listen and make me feel as if I matter, as if I am the best, as if I am worth hearing."

"A lover, Sir?" The shine in Jongdae's eyes disappeared.

"No."

"Crush?"

"More than that."

A terrified gulp. "S-Someone you love yet is not with you?"

"Yes."

Minseok saw everything unfold before him. He saw how Jongdae's shoulders sagged, how his head hung low and how his facial expression morphed into ones of dejection.

It took Jongdae moments to reply. "I see. That person must be so amazing to do that, Sir."

"You are right." If only Jongdae looked beside him, he would see the way Minseok gazed at him.

"I am glad for you. I hope that you finally have the courage to claim your beloved person as yours."

"I already plan to do so right now."

"Right now?" Jongdae's lip quivered. "Okay then. You may go now. It's quite late so you gotta catch with that person."

"Why will I go when that special person is just beside me?"

"Huh?" Jongdae turned to the man who suddenly knelt down on one knee and grasped his hands. Jongdae's orbs were wide open as he stared down the elder.

"S-Sir, what is…"

"For more than a decade, I was living without any reason. Every inhale of air felt like thorns and every desolate thought drowned me into darkness. But then, I met this beautiful young man in the bookstore and I had no idea that he will be a significant part of my life. He brought back the life that didn't exist in me for a long time by his warm smiles, thoughtful gestures, lovely voice and pure heart. Every moment with him was so precious, so treasured, and before I knew it, he never left my mind." Minseok gazed at Jongdae with utmost sincerity and affection. "So Jongdae, can I be a part of your future plans? Can I be your companion as you tread the unpredictable journey of your life? Can I finally reach and have you, my star?"

Jongdae just stared at him, jaw dropped. He sputtered, "m-me? You like me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Is that really a question?"

"But I am a man, and you do not like men."

"But I like _ you. _" Minseok softly caressed the boy's hands. "I don't care about anything else, Jongdae. I like you, and that is all that matters. I will take care of you. What is mine will also be yours. Whatever I have, I will give. The good and bad times of your life, I want to share with you. I want to spend the special days of my life with you and accompany you in your own remarkable moments. I will stay by your side, Jongdae, if you will let me."

Minseok's pleading face changed into worried ones when the younger shed tears. The few tears that fell were followed by more and Minseok rose to his feet.

"Dae? Are you alright?" He cupped the sobbing student who shook his head. Minseok was taken by surprise when arms suddenly engulfed him.

"I am just so happy," Jongdae cried on the professor's shoulder. "To know that I make you feel the same thing that you do to me… to think that we both feel the same about each other…"

"Does that mean…"

"Yes. Yes, yes, yes!" Jongdae affirmed and he squealed when Minseok suddenly lifted him and spun him.

"Damn, Jongdae. You have no idea how much you make me happy." The elder whose heart almost burst with exhilaration whispered to his ear.

"I feel the same, Sir."

"Can you at least make an effort to make our relationship less weird?" Minseok chuckled to which Jongdae giggled.

"Okay… Minseok hyung. Please let me be a part of your life."

Minseok didn't answer and simply held Jongdae.

  
  


Almost nothing changed when they started dating except the fact Minseok spoiled him. Minseok often brought him lunch or on the rare times they could sneak outside during vacant time, they do so. Minseok bought him some clothes as he noticed Jongdae always used the same set of garments every week, and how the elder loved to see the twinkle of joy in his boyfriend's eyes at the presents. He even offered to finance Jongdae's studies and that he need not to work in the cafe anymore, but Jongdae refused and just promised to ask for help when he really needed extra money.

Minseok took note of the smallest details, even buying Jongdae a new pair of glasses because the old pair was worn out. That was also the first time Jongdae kissed him, smothering him with kisses that had Minseok's face burning. Also, Minseok covered for him during the times he felt sick or overwhelmed with schoolwork.

"To think I would see you, someone who preferred rotting in your house, working in my cafe because of your boyfriend is just so sweet, hyung," Baekhyun told Minseok multiple times that had him smiling softly.

They clicked. They often hang out at the city library and bookstore, conversing about literature, general topics and philosophy. They jogged together. They worked together in the cafe during idle weekends. They spend their time in each other's house, with Jongdae accomplishing his academic requirements and Minseok preparing his lessons and encoding grades. The elder usually slept in Jongdae's cramped apartment, wanting to make sure that the younger is safe. He came to the point that he left some clothes and toiletries there, much to Jongdae's chagrin.

"Seriously, Kim Minseok. Just sell your house if you won't stay there."

"Don't you want to spend your entire day with me, mmm, Chennie-Chennie?"

"Stop those beautiful eyes, please… Jesus, hyung, one more aegyo and I'll rip your cheeks out."

"You secretly love it, babe."

"Dream on."

They eat outside though they prefer ordering food or cooking for the fear or being caught and for privacy. In private, Minseok could steal a kiss and hold Jongdae's hand. Jongdae could freely embrace Minseok and sleep on his lap. They could cuddle while watching movies in the elder's laptop. They could bask in the warmth and passion of each other without any judging eye and finger pointed towards them.

In private, they could be themselves.

  


They took a further step in their relationship when they took a vacation in Japan. It was a univ break and they had a great, unforgettable time creating new memories. They wandered the streets with their fingers laced together and admired the buildings and structures showcasing the advanced technology and creative minds of Japan. They listened to music in music stores and purchased old and new albums. The couple also bought original copies of mangas and novels with Minseok vowing to teach Jongdae Japanese. They took pictures of famous landmarks and picturesque places and even went to Owakudani to eat the famous black egg that was said to add seven years in their lives.

"I'll gladly spend the following years of my life with you." The sudden cheesy remark had a flustered Jongdae almost choking on the egg.

One night, it just felt so right. Maybe it was the warmth of the hot springs, the cold air around them or the unspoken sexual tension that had been present since some awkward situations. Whatever the reason was, their touches and kisses were far from innocent that night, with Jongdae finally, finally surrendering himself to Minseok.

Minseok held him tenderly. It boggled Jongdae's mind how slow Minseok was with his movements yet he could feel the sense of desperation and hurry with each touch. He felt assured with how Minseok was apparently holding back, treating him like glass, taking moment by moment so he won't scare Jongdae. The younger, no matter how much he tried, could not stop eliciting pleasured noises as Minseok ravished every inch of him, stripping him off his purity.

But somehow, as Minseok entered him, as Minseok assured him that he would be there, always there for him and that everything would be alright, Jongdae felt purified and refined. With every painful push, he felt Minseok would always be there to hold him in times of pain. With every breathless gasp that left his lips and groans that flooded his ears, he knew that Minseok would never stop whispering words of comfort and love every time he felt crushed by life's worries. With every tender kiss on his tear-stained face and gentle touch on his fragile form, he saw how much Minseok really treasured him.

Minseok loved it how Jongdae's deep speaking voice morphed into the pitchy, breathless moans that he let out. The elder's eyes rolled back as the younger's walls constricted around him and how Jongdae looked so beautifully wrecked under him. He felt a strong connection, a deep bond that tied him to his lover moving in sync with him.

Their bodies burned with fervor passion as they moved together, basking in the pleasure of being connected. They held each other tight as if afraid that the other would dissipate into nothingness, when in reality, they fitted like the other was a missing puzzle piece in their own life. They moved in harmony, in a tempo that only them knew of, until bliss washed over them and left them breathless. Satisfied. Loved.

As Minseok held a sleeping Jongdae's lithe body close, another face that he often saw in his young lover unexpectedly appeared in his mind. He cursed the image of that bright, sunny smile bothering him all over again despite the fact that he was with someone he loved...

_ Thought he loved. _

  


Minseok finally gained the courage to ask Jongdae to move in. He rented a flat, away from his brothers, and casually offered Jongdae a set of keys. Jongdae, upon hearing Minseok's explanation about how sure he was with the decision, cheerfully agreed.

Jongdae was great to live with. He was domesticated and took initiative with the chores. He stayed as his kind, gentle and caring self, proving himself to be a lover material.

Minseok remained his generous, sweet and meticulous self yet for some reason, Jongdae felt something was missing. There was this unsettling feeling at the pit of his stomach that won't go away no matter how Minseok tried to prove how much loved Jongdae was. Minseok was the perfect boyfriend yet Jongdae felt something was not in its right place.

He lived with Minseok, but it seemed the other was distant from him. It was as if there was a side of Minseok that he didn't know of; something hidden deep inside the depths of Minseok's heart.

There were certain moments Minseok stared at him with familiarity; not with him, but as if Jongdae was someone different. His touches and words sometimes felt sincere, sometimes void. His words sometimes sounded so moving, sometimes not meant for him. Instances such as Minseok spacing out when alone was nothing new. To Jongdae, it was apparent how Minseok's mind drift to matters he did not dare make Jongdae know of.

Something seemed inexplicably bland and empty in whatever they have between them and it bothered Jongdae.

  
  


Minseok met with some colleagues so Jongdae was left alone. He read almost all of Minseok's books already so he opted to clean the house instead. He took a long break after scrubbing the floor before he headed to the rooms to arrange things and clean.

As he arranged some stuff in the storage room, he noticed a particular box resting on top of the shelf. It was the only box on that part of the shelf and the lid protruded, apparently because of the numerous contents of the box. Curiosity got the best out of Jongdae and he tiptoed to get it, intending to see its contents.

He sat on the floor and lifted the lid. The box contained a variety of objects, ranging from a football, worn out football jersey, trophies, school uniform to elbow and knee pads, letters and pens. Some objects seemed so random such as an empty cup with his name on it but all he could decipher was that these things were all significant to his boyfriend. It proved to be true when Jongdae picked up a photo album with peeling edges and faint design.

As he opened it, he saw a different Minseok; a young, carefree and boyish Minseok. He looked significantly younger and chubbier, looking so handsome, vibrant and… _ happy. _ He flipped through the pages, seeing Minseok with a smile so bright, something which Jongdae never saw throughout the year they knew each other. The way Minseok's dazzling pearly whites and crinkled crescents shone with genuine joy remarkably differed with the smiles and grins Minseok flashed him. The old, buoyant Minseok beamed the brightest with two people in the album, a guy and a lady. Minseok was with them in most pictures and he often had shots with the girl. Something in Jongdae gnawed his heart at the prominent closeness of Minseok with the girl, not because of anything else but over the fact that Minseok never looked that radiant around him.

He was too engrossed with the pictures that he did not notice the shadow that appeared behind him until the album was snatched away from his hand.

"Why are you touching my things?" Minseok grunted and his eyes pierced through Jongdae's as if reprimanding him.

Jongdae's mouth felt dry and he needed to fumble for words before he was able to answer. "M-Minseok, sorry. I was just cleaning and I saw this. I didn't know—"

"Then don't touch it. These are my personal things." Jongdae lost his voice upon seeing the glare directed towards him. Minseok turned around, carefully dusting it with his hand like it was so precious to him. Jongdae could not move for a few seconds, not used to this side of Minseok. He scrambled to stand up even though his legs wobbled and he made a turn towards the door.

A hand wrapped around his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

"Shit, Dae, I am sorry." An apologetic Minseok uttered and Jongdae simply nodded without turning his head. Minseok suddenly held him by the shoulders before cupping his face.

"Babe, I'm really sorry." A remorseful Minseok, with eyes that held a glint of guilt and sorrow, said while thumbing the unshed tears Jongdae did not notice pooling in his ducts. Jongdae simply stared with hurt at the elder who then planted a lingering kiss on his forehead.

"I didn't mean to snap. I am sorry, Dae. It is just that… this is too valuable to me and I do not like it when others touch it."

_ So much for telling me that what's yours is mine, isn't it. _

So many questions ran in Jongdae's head—

_ Who are those people? _

_ Who are those two? _

_ Who is that girl? _

_ Was it just your injury that made you lose such joy in your humanity or is there something more? _

_ Can I ever see such radiant smile on your face in person? _

_ Why are you so touchy regarding this album? _

_ Are you hiding something from me? _

—but he chose to merely nod and smile weakly.

"It's alright, hyung."

Minseok didn't seem convinced and chose to cage Jongdae in his embrace. Despite the length of the time he stayed in the elder's arms, the younger felt something off.

It felt cold, lacking the warmth Minseok often made him feel.

"Do you… want to know what these things and who these people are?"

"...yes."

  
  


_ More than a decade ago _

"Wahhhh, the movie is a blast." Minseok stretched his arms as they went out of the cinema after hours of watching movies. He yawned, tired from sitting the whole evening and the amusement he felt watching the action scenes. Luhan shared the same reactions yet as the last movie they watched neared to the end, she fell asleep. She woke up not feeling well, thus, her lack of enthusiasm as Minseok recalled the movie.

"Babe, are you really okay?" Minseok asked for the nth time and Luhan smiled weakly in response. They stopped by the side with Minseok checking his girlfriend's forehead and neck.

"You don't feel that warm though. Are you feeling something weird inside? Are you hurting?"

"No, Seok, I am alright." Luhan dismissively waved her hand. "Must be the popcorn."

"Maybe. You enjoyed it way too much than you usually do." Minseok playfully quipped as Luhan ended up finishing about three-fourths of the snack. He expected Luhan to laugh, but what happened was the latter suddenly covered her mouth and bolted to the comfort room.

Minseok ran after her, ignoring the screams of the women as he entered the female comfort room to get to Luhan. He caught Luhan retching in an open stall and he patted her back, terribly worried about his girlfriend.

"Lu, baby, let's take you to the clinic." Minseok offered as he wiped a dizzy Luhan's mouth.

"I am alright. Just take me home." Luhan let herself be pulled up by Minseok, finding it hard to balance by herself. She tried making a step but before she could do so, all went black.

Silence echoed in the corners of Minseok's car. He was on his way to take Luhan home right after they ended up to a clinic. His knuckles gripped the steering wheel so much they went white and his eyes glared sharply on the road. He ignored the trembling soul behind him for he knew not what he could do if he saw the tear-stained face that was his lover's.

A hand landed on his shoulder which he shrugged off without sparing the other a glance. The hand went back again and soon, the car came to a halt to the city park.

Minseok unbuckled his seatbelt with lightning speed and he went out, intending to get away from the woman who shattered his heart. He heard Luhan's shaky voice shouting for his name, begging him to listen and he stopped, stalking towards Luhan with an ice cold glance.

"Tell me. How can you be pregnant when we first did it yesterday?"

Luhan' eyes widened and she stared down the ground. Her entire form shook as she heard her usually placid and well-tempered boyfriend speak with such anguish and suppressed anger in his voice.

"Luhan."

Luhan's eyes remained fixed on the ground.

"I am waiting."

Only the chirping crickets could be heard.

"Luhan, answer me."

"I… I…" Luhan bit her trembling lip, suppressing the cry that was about to come when Minseok hollered.

"Luhan, answer me!"

"I am sorry!" The lady sobbed, crying like a baby as she bawled her eyes out. Minseok wanted to feel pity, wanted to feel guilty at the mess his girlfriend turned out to be yet here he was, feeling nothing but heart-wrenching pain, boiling wrath and the acrid, agonizing taste of betrayal. He wanted to embrace the wailing love of his life just like he always did whenever she cried but he couldn't; not when he wanted to woe himself for the stabbing ache of Luhan's actions.

"Who?" A simple question, yet Minseok saw how it made Luhan shake her head frantically.

"Who is the father?"

"Minseok, please, just…"

"I am asking you, Lu. Who is the father?"

Luhan's begging eyes were the only answers he got.

"Who is the fucking father!?"

"S-Se-Sehun." The name was uttered as a hushed whisper yet it rang blaringly in Minseok's ears. He fell down the ground kneeling for he could barely endure the double dose of betrayal he was forced to swallow in just a single day.

"Sehun?" Minseok uttered the name with disbelief. He choked on the air and it seemed he was suffocated from the unexpected revelation that dawned upon him. "W-When? How… why…"

"W-When you w-went back to y-your ho-hometown and we w-were left here." That was the time Minseok went back to his hometown to attend his uncle's funeral. "Re-Remember when I a-asked you th-that we will go t-to a party? We w-were drunk; w-we did not k-know what we we-were do-doing."

A bitter cackle resounded. "Don't shit on me. You were just drunk. You knew what you were doing."

"But the a-alcohol m-made us vulnerable. I s-swear we d-did not intend i-it to happen."

Seconds felt like hours as Luhan stood crying and Minseok knelt on the ground, the reality barely sinking in. Perhaps he was crazy, too crazy for Luhan that he mindlessly uttered, "let me father the baby."

"Y-You can't."

"Why? Does he know?"

Silence.

"I don't care if it isn't my baby, as long as you will stay by my side."

"But I love him." Minseok looked up with the dark, shattered orbs of his, gaze fixed upon the unfaithful woman before him.

"You love him? You are telling me that you love that bastard Sehun? Why? Am I not enough? Couldn't I give you things he could also give? Couldn't I love you enough for you to forsake me?"

"But it has been years. All the suppressed feelings just bottled up because I was afraid, I was so afraid he wouldn't want me, and when I knew he loved me too, I—"

"Years? You loved Oh Sehun for years?"

"It has always been Sehun. I tried, Seok, but it is still him. Always him." As Luhan's voice cracked, so did Minseok's heart upon hearing the piercing words. His mind was on haywire yet he tried with his might to remember any hints of the astounding truth.

_ "Minseok, what's with Sehun's taste in girls? That man always dates trashy women." _

_ "Yah, Oh Sehun, are you sure about dating that whore? All she could do was shake her boobs in front of your face." _

_ "Seok, do you think Sehun will like this?" _

_ "Wait, I will buy Sehun some, too." _

_ "Wow, this looks good on Sehun." _

_ "If Sehun is here, he would…" _

_ "Can we ask Sehun to join? Please?" _

How could he never notice? Even before they were together, it has always been Sehun, Sehun, Sehun. It has always been Oh Sehun; the kind, charismatic and perfect Oh Sehun, yet Minseok didn't see it.

  


How bitter could the world be?

  


Minseok rose on his shaking feet, his applause magnifying the spiteful words that spilled from his lips. "So that's it. You just used me, huh? You just used me to have someone by your side while you were hurting, and now that you got him, you are so eager to discard me?"

"Minseok, t-that isn't—" Luhan was dragged towards the car and Minseok sped up towards a very familiar house. Luhan pleaded for Minseok to stop, but they were already heading towards the doorstep of the man they grew up with.

Minseok banged the door with impatient knocks and footsteps got louder as the moments passed. As soon as Sehun opened the door, Minseok punched him strong enough to have him laying on the floor.

"Sehun!" Luhan cried as Minseok pinned the startled man on the floor and choked him by the collar. Minseok's eyes blazed with the dark mess that clouded his mind as he hollered all of his heartaches.

A punch.

"How can you do this to me!? Boned my girlfriend, got her pregnant while I was mourning over a loved one… was it fun, huh?"

A punch.

Sehun's orbs pooled with tears. "M-Mins...I—"

"I bet you did it a lot of times, didn't you? You two indulged in your amorous fantasies about each other while I suffered over my injury, didn't you?"

"Minseok, stop!" Luhan screamed, attempting to hold Minseok's free hand but failing to do so as it continuously hit Sehun's face.

"The times you told me you would buy this together and that, you did more on those days, didn't you? You relished those moments I stayed locked in the house, right?"

A choked cry and a wretched wail. "Minseok!"

"You know how much I love Luhan. You know how I see you like a brother, and what did you just do? Fuck my girlfriend while I was away?"

"I l-l-love her." Sehun gasped despite the pain racking in his body and Minseok burned with rage.

"You love her? How long? How long!?" Minseok punched the spot next to the crying man's head, his own tears cascading down his face.

"Tell me, Sehun-ah. What wrong thing did I ever do to you? What did I do for you to betray me like this?" Minseok asked in despair as he held Sehun's face tightly in his palms. "I lost my hope, my dream, and now, Luhan, you. Why, Sehun-ah? Why does it have to be her?"

The remorse, regret, sorrow and unspoken apologies that Sehun's broken expression conveyed had Minseok remembering how he used to wipe the tears from the child the other used to be. Images of this man, this man who he saw was his brother from another set of parents flashed in his hazy mind.

As he turned to the right, he saw his beloved woman sobbing over the man she really loved. She looked at Minseok with pleading eyes, her hands caressing his own and begging him to stop.

All of these were too much for Minseok to bear. He stood up, letting go of Sehun and Luhan. He watched as Luhan immediately held a coughing Sehun and how the latter gradually calmed down as he simply laid his head on the former's abdomen.

_ They look… perfect. _

Minseok left, silently crying his friends' names out as he realized how he lost the two of them—

  


"Hyung? Minseok hyung? Wake up. Minseok hyung!" A hand frantically tapped his cheek and he held it, relishing in its warmth. His lids fluttered open and was welcomed with a sight of Jongdae's worried expression. Minseok didn't realize that he was crying in his sleep until Jongdae wiped his tears away.

Jongdae helped him sit up and gave him a glass of water which he took in a few gulps. Minseok panted hard, staring into empty space, distraught from the painful memory that haunted him for years. Hands cupped his face and he saw before him someone who he considered his present…

...someone who resembled someone from the past.

"Hyung, what are you feeling? Do you need some fresh air? Do you need more water? Do you—"

"I need you." Minseok answered, distraught orbs shaking with despair as he gazed in Jongdae's eyes. "Don't leave me, please. Stay with me. Don't leave me like those bastards did."

Jongdae, though shocked by the unexpected words, engulfed his lover in an embrace. Minseok hugged back, his hold too tight that it had Jongdae hurting yet the latter chose to rub circles on the former's back.

"Hyung, I am here. Just here. I won't go, okay? I will stay as long as you need me." Jongdae whispered and Minseok visibly relaxed in his hold.

  
  
\-----------------------------------------------

**Quotes:**

The Wind Up Bird Chronicle

  * It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights traveling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go.

Kafka on the Shore

  * Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive.

Norwegian Wood

  * Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only arseholes do that.


	3. 3/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drama, pain, Murakami, blah blah the end

Minseok knew he fucked up.

The two of them drank together, winding down all the stress of the week and it naturally ended into a heated, ardent session on bed. Their bodies burned in fervor at the intimate dance they engaged in and they held each other for hours and hours.

For some reason, Minseok was rougher than usual. Jongdae was more accustomed to the gentle yet intense movements of Minseok. To feel the elder passionately and hurriedly taking him was a new yet welcome experience.

Pleasure racked in his body as Minseok had him seated on his lap, pounding him incessantly while fondling his sensitive buds. His back curved against his lover's chest as melodious songs of pleasure spilled from his swollen lips. His thighs burned in exhaustion yet for the love of Minseok, his unsated body won't stop moving.

There was barely any space for sweat to trickle into as Minseok held Jongdae, relentlessly smothered his neck and thrusted nonstop. They could feel the peak of bliss approaching soon, so soon that their pace grew sloppier and hurried.

"Minseok, Minseok hyung," Jongdae murmured like a mantra as he buried his face on Minseok's neck. The other groaned in response, and soon, Jongdae reached the edge, spilling all he had on the sheets. Minseok orgasmed at almost the same time as Jongdae and maybe, because he was so lost into it,

Because he was strung out by the alcohol,

Or maybe, just maybe, his subconscious thought of someone else,

He uttered a single syllable by mistake.

_"...Lu…"_

They sat still in heavy silence. They remained frozen, the other apparently registering what he heard and the other knowing he was heard.

Minseok felt the warm body on top of him gradually detach from him. He watched as Jongdae struggled to get up amidst his post orgasm haze and how he avoided Minseok's apologetic gaze.

Minseok wanted to say something as Jongdae cleaned himself with a towel and put on his clothes.

Minseok wanted to apologize, when Jongdae picked his phone and wallet.

Minseok wanted to hold Jongdae and stop him, but he couldn't.

Jongdae left, the door quietly shutting back in its place.

Minseok stayed frozen on the bed, lost in his thoughts.

  
  
  
  


Minseok woke up on a cold bed.

His head pounded from hangover but to wake up without a smiling angel beside him was more painful.

He took a shower to get rid of the stickiness from yesterday's session…

...yesterday's session where he muttered a different name…

...a name he thought he had already forgotten but still remained so familiar on his tongue.

_Fuck._

Minseok spent his morning making and eating breakfast alone, something he was not used to anymore after having Jongdae by his side. The lack of melodious laughter on the morning table tortured a guilty Minseok as he knew it was solely his fault that his boyfriend still hasn't come home.

All morning, he contacted Jongdae. He called, left voice messages and text, but no answer. He knew that Jongdae probably stayed over a friend's or Baekhyun's, but then, worry and apprehension didn't seem to make him at peace. He was aware Jongdae needed space, but Minseok needed to see him and explain himself even though he did not really know what to say.

He prepared speeches, thinking of excuses to say, diversions and distractions to do, flowery apologies, but then, he came to one conclusion.

He already hurt Jongdae.

  
  
  


"Dae." It was the first thing Minseok uttered when the front door opened. Said man did not look up from the shoes he was taking off even when Minseok stood before him. He brushed past the elder, avoiding his gaze, but Minseok suddenly embraced him from behind.

"Dae. Please." Something inside Minseok shattered when Jongdae forcefully removed the former's arm around him.

"Babe, please talk to me." Jongdae ignored his pleas and shuffled his way to their room. Minseok followed suit, grasping Jongdae's arm which the younger harshly shrugged off.

Jongdae opened the wardrobe and pulled out his hung clothes. He threw them on the bed, rummaged for a luggage and the truth dawned to Minseok.

"Jongdae, it doesn't need to be like this." Jongdae went on getting his own clothes as if he did not hear anything. Minseok got the clothes and hung them back in the closet while Jongdae pulled out more clothes. Minseok suddenly shut the wardrobe with his arm that had a pissed Jongdae screaming.

"Open it!"

"It does not need to be this way, Dae."

"Open it! Open it, Kim Minseok!" Jongdae broke down, falling on the floor as he sobbed. Minseok set aside all of the clothes and engulfed Jongdae in an embrace, whispering words of apologies to him.

"Babe, I didn't mean it, I am sorry. It was just the alcohol talking—"

"So you are telling me that your subconscious contains Luhan?"

"No, babe it was just…" Jongdae struggled in the embrace yet Minseok only tightened his hold as he desperately pleaded. "I am sorry. I really am sorry."

"L-Let go of m-me, Mi-Minseok."

"Babe, please. It was a mistake. Please give me another chance. Please don't leave me." Jongdae's knees collapsed from so much crying. Minseok kneeled on the floor and caged Jongdae in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on his back as he himself wept in despair.

Jongdae asked, voice trembling as he tried to calm down. "Do you really love me?"

"Yes, so, so much." Minseok choked through his tears. "I don't know what would be of me without you."

"Then what is she to our lives?"

Minseok cupped Jongdae's face and stared deep in his swollen orbs. "Just a bitter past. You are my present, Jongdae. Only you matter to me. Please believe me. It was only a mistake. I only love you."

Seeing the usually composed Minseok into the mess he had become softened Jongdae's heart. His heart ached more upon seeing Minseok in such state, and he could not bear not snuggling to his warm arms and basking in his love…

Even though deep down, he knew Minseok was lying.

  
  
  
  


"Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"They would love you."

"You think—"

The door flew open, revealing a tall, tanned man who smiled instantly upon seeing Minseok.

"Hyung." Jongin turned to the 'friend' his brother brought along. "And you are?"

"Kim Jongdae." Jongdae bowed a little and smiled uneasily. "Minseok hyung's—"

"Lover." Minseok grasped a surprised Jongdae's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

Jongin's eyes doubled their size upon the unexpected revelation. "Oh. Jongin, hyung's brother." He was at lost for a moment before realizing that he still didn't fully open the door. "Oh sorry! Please come in."

While the couple took off their shoes, Jongin ran inside. Jongdae glared at Minseok who only chuckled as response.

There was a commotion inside and footsteps were soon heard.

"Boyfriend? What?" Said a faint voice of someone different, while Jongin's excitedly chanted, "yes, hyung, boyfriend!"

A pale man appeared, bowing before Jongdae who did the same.

"Kim Jongdae."

"Kim Joonmyeon." The elder's lips parted into a sweet smile. "It's nice to see the sole reason behind Minseok hyung's cheerful disposition."

The three laughed upon seeing Jongdae blushing beet red at that. A new set of footsteps were soon heard with a deep yet whiny voice asking for food echoing in the house. A tall man—a giant in Jongdae's eyes—hugging a pillow appeared and ran towards them upon seeing Minseok.

"Hyung, I missed you." Muttered the man as he hugged the elder.

"How's living in my room? Already ruined it?" Minseok asked tongue in cheek.

"Nah. Just designed it according to my taste." His cousin grinned. He finally took notice of the other presence beside the elder and glanced at him. "A friend?"

"Boyfriend." Jongin interjected and beamed. "Can you believe it? Minseok hyung is finally dating. A cute one to say the least."

Jongdae laughed while Minseok playfully glared at Jongin.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, stared at Jongdae, still shocked. He uttered in pure wonder, "I didn't know that you are into men, hyung."

Jongdae shifted uncomfortably at that. Chanyeol's tone was not mocking yet somehow, the words had an effect to a jittery Jongdae.

Minseok wrapped his arm around Jongdae's shoulder and proudly announced. "Not really. It was just that this one of a kind brat is heaven sent to me."

"Thank you, Jongdae-sshi." Chanyeol suddenly grasped Jongdae's hand and shook excitedly "It has been ages since hyung introduced someone new since Lu—"

Jongin covered Chanyeol's mouth in time and Joonmyeon nervously laughed. "Let's eat, shall we?"  
  


They ate and exchanged stories, most of them revolving around the story on how Minseok and Jongdae dated. They got well acquainted especially with Jongdae's natural social skills and soon, Minseok could tell they loved Jongdae.

For the dessert, Joonmyeon served an apple pie from a nearby shop. Each of them got their own serving, and when they started eating, Jongin noticed something.

"That's a unique way to eat that." The youngest commented as he watched Jongdae removing the entire filling from the crust.

"He always does that." Minseok shook his head as he took a bite. "Any pie, any bread with filling; he dissects the poor thing and eats it messily."

Jongdae laughed and ate a spoonful of filling. "They said, save the best for the last. I believe the crust is the best part of pastries."

"Gotta agree with that." Joonmyeon nodded. "Personally, I don't enjoy pastries if the crust sucks."

Chanyeol hummed as he munched on the pie. "This one's got a good crust, hyung. From what shop is this?"

"The one three blocks away from us."

"Ah, the one where Minseok hyung often bought pastries from for—"

"Sooooo how did you two meet?" Jongin asked aloud after giving an oblivious Chanyeol a side glance. The table was quiet for a few seconds before Jongdae answered.

"In the most cliche way. I was reaching for Murakami's book in a bookstore and our hands bumped."

"Oh hyung, you still read Murakami?" Chanyeol gaped. "It has been ages."

"Can't help it. His works are worth contemplating on."

"Over a bottle of beer every single weekend." Jongin snickered.

"Tell you what, Jongdae-sshi. Minseok hyung hated reading before, but since his ex babe introduced him to Murakami, he started going to the city library."

Jongdae raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah. Add in Sehun to the equation, those three always bonded in that place and talked about lit like nerds. Even when they broke up, hyung didn't seem to move on from those books—ouch!" Chanyeol winced when Jongin stepped on his foot.

"Chanyeol."

"That hurt. What did I—"

"Salad?" Minseok offered as he glared at a very oblivious Chanyeol. He glanced at the suddenly quiet Jongdae beside him and if he read him correctly, the younger seemed off.

"Uh, um, let's hang out later!" Joonmyeon suddenly announced to divert the topic. "It is rare for us to be complete, right? Plus, this is to celebrate Jongdae-sshi's addition to the family. Say what, Jongdae-sshi? Is it alright with you?"

"Babe?" Minseok snapped in front of a spaced out Jongdae whose eyes widened in surprise.

"P-Pardon?"

"Wanna hang out with us?"

"S-Sure!" Jongdae smiled at them yet Minseok saw how different it was from the other's bright, beaming grin.

  
  
  


_"Charari nareul miwohae…"_

"It is impossible for you to hit the note," a drunk Joonmyeon slurred at the man who currently sang So Chan Hwee's _Tears_ in female key. He groaned as he tugged the other's shirt, wanting to get the microphone already. Jongdae sang like three songs continuously as Jongin fell sound asleep after chugging half of the soju bottle while Chanyeol and Minseok continued drinking.

_"Dubeon dasi, neon nareul chatjima, naro inhae, apahaltenikka~ jainhan yeojara, nareul yohajineun ma~"_ Jongdae continued as if he heard nothing and his voice echoed in the noraebang. Joonmyeon whined like the inebriated man he was due to the shrill notes while Chanyeol could not help but clap and cheer for Jongdae. The song ended with Jongdae getting 99 and the rest of the night, Chanyeol, Joonmyeon and Jongdae took turns singing.

"Hyuuuuung," a tipsy Chanyeol snuggled his stupid face on Minseok's arm. "You should sing too."

"I already sang twice." Minseok desperately pushed Chanyeol away that had the younger whining like a kid.

"You should sing more, Seok," Jongdae said after not speaking a word to the other for hours.

"They are right," Joonmyeon affirmed. "You kept on drinking and eating, geez. Sing one more song, pretty pwease? Pweaseeee."

"You guys already drank too much." Minseok clucked his tongue and reached for the song list.

"Sing a Buzz song! You always sang their songs as I played the guitar." Chanyeol's reply had Minseok thinking of a few favorites and he entered the numbers. The instrumental of The Love started playing and all he thought of was the painful past.

_"You always are, you’re so beautiful_

_The smiling eyes when you’re talking are also pretty_

_Even if it’s not me_

_There will be a lot of people who will love you_

_I’m not sad, I’ll be fine_

_I’ll forget you and let you go_

_I won’t find you anymore_

_Good bye my love, don’t look back_

_Even if you left me, I won’t cry_

_I’m sorry because I was clumsy_

_My love is ending like this."_

"I like it. A+!" Chanyeol cheered drunkenly after the first chorus. Minseok sang the rest of the song with intense emotions, the song that he always sang during the first few years of his heartbreak bringing back a lot of memories.

_"I think my love for you ends here_

_I hope you’ll be happy with him_

_Good bye_

_Even if you left me, I won’t cry_

_It’s okay if you blame me who was clumsy_

_My love is ending like this."_

His eyes that stared at an empty space soon darted towards Jongdae, who gazed at him with unreadable orbs. Minseok stayed rooted on his place, wondering how could he be so insensitive, so stupid, so emotionally-driven to let that side of him overpower his senses.

It was no surprise that when Jongdae sang after him, the former gazed at his lover painfully.

_"The world says I’m crazy_

_But I can’t stop, I just can’t_

_The love tells me to stop_

_But I can’t give up on you…"_

He could not hear the chants of the people around him for all he saw was the suffering soul in front of him.

_"It's love if it hurts_

_It must be love if it hurts_

_Even if I’m engulfed in tears everyday_

_Or even if my heart is broken in half_

_I will never let go of this love."_

It was no wonder how guilt, remorse and regrets gnawed Minseok as Jongdae stared at him with those orbs… those very orbs that concealed the misery, betrayal and a million questions before yet shamelessly exposed everything at that moment.

_"You must be heartbroken, it must be hard_

_To obtain the most precious thing_

_And I found that to keep you by me is a luxury_

_And to forget, I struggled and struggled but…_

_It's love if it hurts_

_It must be love if it hurts_

_Even if I’m engulfed in tears everyday_

_Or my heart has broken in half_

_I will never let go of this love_

_You’ve promised everything to the world_

_But even if I were to take your place_

_It’s fine, it’s fine as long as I have you…"_

Minseok was not surprised that no one spoke on their way home.

  
  
  
  


The weather grew colder.

So did their love.

Something in Jongdae changed since they visited Minseok's family.

It started when Jongdae deliberately ignored Minseok most of the time and did not speak unless the elder initiated the conversation. Minseok did what he could, by buying Jongdae's favorite food or asking him out for dates. But then, despite Jongdae tagging along, he seemed aloof, as if avoiding him.

With the semester's increasing workload, the free time they had significantly lessened, thus not helping with the growing gap between them.

"Jongdae, want to eat outside?" Minseok asked one Saturday morning.

"Busy." Jongdae answered without lifting his eyes from the book before him.

"It will take less than two hours. You had been reading the whole day anyway."

"Can't. Too much to read."

"Babe, just an hour. Please?"

"I am tired, hyung. Can we just do it next time?"

Minseok has always been objective.

Minseok has always been understanding.

Minseok has always been placid and composed.

But Jongdae, in his own special ways, always made Minseok's emotions overpower rationality.

He uttered without realizing. "It is so hard to read you. You had been avoiding me for the whole week."

"I am not."

"You do."

"Just stressed." Jongdae mumbled with disinterest until the book he was holding was pulled away from his grasp and thrown to the floor.

"What's with you!?" Jongdae hollered. "Can't you see that I am studying?" He attempted reaching for the book but Minseok kicked it away.

"Minseok!"

"Where's your manners? I was talking to you and you won't look at me."

"I don't want to look at you."

"Why?"

No answer.

"God, Jongdae, can you stop acting like this? This is already exasperating. Can't you be—"

"Be what? As nice, well-mannered and rational as Luhan?"

"What? Why are you bringing her up?" Minseok retorted. "Is this about last week? I told you already. It is all in the past."

"Past my ass, Minseok." Jongdae scoffed bitterly. "We both know that your mind was filled with Luhan when you sang at the noraebang."

"Babe, it's just a song that I used to sing a lot."

"Yeah, something you sang during your heartbroken days, huh."

Minseok blinked and paused for a while in surprise. "Did Chanyeol say some stupid stuff again? It's already in the past so let's just not bring it up."

"Admit it. You still think of her and you continue seeing her."

"No, I don't. I don't see—"

"You see her in me, don't you?"

Minseok's face morphed into ones of shock. He was at loss for a second before he chuckled hollowly and shook his head. "No, Dae. That is ridiculous."

"You denying is way more ridiculous. Be honest with yourself, Kim Minseok. You liked me only because I am her replica."

Minseok retorted. "That's not true. I liked you because you are you. Stop being unreasonable."

Jongdae stood and gazed at Minseok intently. "It is true and you know it deep in your heart. You only loved me because I am similar to her."

"No, Jongdae. Babe, let me expla—"

"But that is what I feel!" Jongdae exploded that silenced Minseok. "You approached me in the bookstore because I read Murakami; the same books she read with you. Let me guess. You took me to places you said were memorable to you without me knowing that it was because of your ex-girlfriend. And oh, another wild guess. You call me the same pet name that you called her. I am right, aren't I?"

There came no answer from a shamefaced Minseok.

Jongdae's lip quivered as he continued. "Knew it. There are some things that you gave me, things that you thought I'll like… the things that Luhan liked, and here I was thinking you wanted to make me feel special. Who knows how much you thought of her while you were with me, or how you thought of me as her. Wow, I really thought I was the apple of your eye. Little did I know that I am just a mere replacement for your beloved. I am just a model of her, and I am nothing compared to the one you really love."

Minseok cupped Jongdae's face as he cried. "No, Jongdae. Please believe me. I love you. I really love you so much."

"But not as the real me." A tear fell from Jongdae's eye. His lips curled into a bitter smile as tears gushed down his cheeks and Minseok's hands. "You only love the aspects of me similar to Luhan. You only love me because you see her in me."

Minseok whispered a series of negations and intended to kiss Jongdae's tears away but the damage was already done.

"Maybe you are not lying, Minseok. You love me, but not as much as I do. Maybe you love me, but not as me, not the whole Kim Jongdae."

"Forgive me, Dae." Minseok's voice cracked as hot tears rolled down his own cheeks. "Forgive me for making you feel that way. I did not want this to happen."

"Please don't say sorry. I will just forgive you again and again." Jongdae hung his head low to avoid Minseok's hurt gaze. "I tried to make myself blind to reality. I tried to deny it but look where it led us to. Even if you do not say it, I know that your heart yearns for her. It was just that you saw her shadow in me. I thought I could accept that, but I can't. I'm sorry."

Jongdae took Minseok's hands off him and he turned around towards the door.

"Dae, please. Don't leave me." He held Jongdae's arm only for the other to shake it off. He went on his knees, holding Jongdae by the leg as he begged, "don't leave me, Jongdae. Please. Give me another chance."

Jongdae sobbed on his hand. "I can't, hyung, I'm sorry."

"Jongdae, please, baby. Do not leave me." Such scene already unfolded before yet the gravity of pain, the knowledge that Jongdae finally gave up had Minseok losing all his pride. He cared not if he looked stupid or if he would regret such action but then, Jongdae couldn't go.

Jongdae crouched and held Minseok's tear-stained face. It broke his heart to see his beloved being like this, but it was for the best.

They could never be happy while being caged by the past.

"Minseok-ah, the reason I am doing this is that I love you. I don't want you to be subjected to a relationship that constantly reminds you of the person you lost."

"I don't need anything else. I just need you, only you. Please, Dae. I'll be better. I'll throw away all of the pictures and memories of her, I promise. I will certainly forget her."

"No, Minseok. Listen—"

"I will give you more time. I will give you whatever you want. I will do as you say. Just please stay by my side."

"No. Don't do this to yourself. This is not how it will work."

"Then what do I need to do for you to stay? You are my life, Dae. You are the reason I still live. What would be of me without you? I do not know what to do without you."

"Live." Jongdae breathed softly as he caressed Minseok's face. "You can live, hyung. I am broken, you are broken. We can never fix each other in such a state. You need to heal. Reflect on yourself and seek answers to the questions you cannot answer."

"I can't, not without you."

"You can." Jongdae smiled weakly. "I know you can live without me because you are Kim Minseok. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know you can endure. I know you can heal yourself. No matter what I do, no matter what anyone else does, we can never fix you. You are the only one who can help yourself."

"When I am okay, when you are okay… what about us? What will be of us?"

"Find me." Jongdae smiled warmly and pressed their foreheads together. "Find me. Search for me once you finally let go of everything... once you finally love me for who I really am… when you finally love the real me. Find me once everything is clear to you… once you realize that you really choose me, the real me."  
  
  


It has been two years since Jongdae walked out of Minseok's life.

Minseok stared into empty space as Jongdae packed his things. He could do nothing but cry as he begged Jongdae to at least let himself be held for the last time all night, and Jongdae complied.

He woke up early the day Jongdae left, intending to make breakfast for him for the last time. Silence filled their house until it was time for Jongdae to leave, with them staring at each other and smiling bitterly. Minseok, for the last time, asked permission for a kiss, which the two of them savored to the last second.

A lot of words and plans ran in Minseok's mind. He wanted to tell Jongdae how much he loved him, how he didn't want Jongdae to go and how much he needed him. But no, it would be unfair for Jongdae, for he deserved the best… not the wretched soul Minseok was.

They wordlessly walked towards the front door with Jongdae dragging his luggage. His hand clasped the doorknob only for him to turn and stare at Minseok's despondent orbs.

Jongdae sniffled and smiled at the elder as he uttered a familiar line. "I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?"

"Always. You. Will you remember me?"

"Always."

The words Minseok uttered may have been written but they held true to his heart. "If you remember me, then I don't care if everyone else forgets."

  
  
  


As soon as the semester ended, Jongdae transferred to another university. Minseok just heard from Baekhyun that Jongdae excelled and graduated with flying colors which made Minseok proud. Right after graduation, Jongdae went back to Gyeonggi, probably to fix his own issues.

Baekhyun often offered Minseok to talk with Jongdae but to hear that he was well and healthy was already enough for Minseok.

Two years already transpired but Minseok was still a lifeless sack.

He was filled with all things dark and depressing, lacking any reason to truly exist in the world that once again lost its meaning.

He seeked professional help, took meds, worked out, resorted to his old drinking habits, and drowned himself in work but to no avail. He sometimes stayed with his brothers and cousin who supported him and made him feel that he was not alone.

He was disconsolate. He was broken. He was empty. Yet he was still fighting, still trying to help himself.

It was one of those days that he managed to get out of his house slash dungeon and went jogging. He guessed it was no fun anymore as it only reminded him of the bubbly ball of sunshine he used to do it with, but then, it was one way for his stressed, worn out system to release tension. The school year was at its peak and the mountain pile of paperwork he needed to check frustrated him. Add in the number of students who pester him regarding incomplete requirements and grades; Minseok really hated this period of the sem.

He was dead tired and hurried to a nearby restaurant to have a pitcher of iced water and rice bowls of bulgogi. In his haste, he did not notice a lean figure on his way, and there they ended up colliding and falling.

"My apologies." Minseok regrettably said as he scrambled up and proceeded to extend his hand to the man dressed in corporate attire still sitting on the ground. The said man raised his head, and the two of them stilled upon realization of who the other was.

"Sehun." Minseok's hand remained extended which the hesitant man took.

"Minseok." Sehun uttered the name with disbelief. He looked like he saw a ghost and they stood there, awkward silence emanating.

"So you are back in Korea." Minseok broke the silence as he gave the other a once over.

Sehun matured a lot. He was not the lanky teen anymore that Minseok last saw; Oh Sehun bore a different aura. Dignified, respected, cultured were words that proved synonymous to the man donned in his three piece suit. His entire ensemble, from his slicked back hair, platinum watch, pressed suit, to his polished shoes and leather briefcase screamed prestige, and Minseok who often felt perfectly secure about himself felt like a rag in his sweats. Despite this, he clearly saw how shamefaced Sehun was in his presence.

"Just now because of a business trip. I just finished meeting our client today." Sehun, who resorted on rubbing his nape, could not even stare at Minseok.

"I see." There was a long pause before Minseok made a move to turn. "I guess I gotta go."

"W-Wait." Sehun called, stopping him in his tracks. Minseok faced the other who sheepishly asked him. "Can we have some coffee?"

It took Minseok seconds before he was able to respond. "I hadn't eaten lunch yet. Join me."

Sehun nodded.

  
  


The atmosphere was eerily quiet.

Sehun looked out of place in the average-priced family restaurant. Both stayed silent most of the time, with one simply offering the other some food or saying a few words regarding their jobs.

"Surprising how you can drink coffee now." Minseok could not help but point out as he saw the other take a sip of latte.

"I had to learn. Work… and home." Sehun wore a sheepish smile.

"I bet that your house never runs out of coffee."

"Forget anything else in the grocery list, just not coffee lest I want her to strangle me." Both chuckled at the remark.

As the sounds died down into unbearable silence, Sehun deeply sighed as he looked straight to Minseok's eyes. "Minseok."

"Mmm?"

"I was too ashamed back then so I couldn't tell you, but Minseok… I am sorry. Really sorry."

Minseok didn't say a word and proceeded to drink the remnants of his iced americano. Sehun played with his fingers and his lowered his head in shame and nervousness. Despite the air of power, influence and extravagance Sehun exuded, all Minseok saw was an old best friend exhibiting the same mannerisms and behavior from years ago.

"I apologize if I am only telling you this now. You know how proud I was back then and how much defiant I was when it came to Luhan. But I hope it isn't too late to tell you sorry… I do not need you to forgive me, but I hope that in some way, I can relay what I felt throughout the years."

"I'm all ears." Minseok uttered to at least assure the man recoiling in shame. It stung to see his erstwhile arrogant and pompous friend being so passive before him, as he was definitely not used to such display of penitence, at least not with Oh Sehun.

"...What I did was so wrong on many levels. You were right. You treated me like your own brother, and for me to do that was so cruel and cunning of me. I… I am so sorry. Everything is beyond repair, yes, but I hope that you realize how much regrets I had when I hurt you."

The air remained still. Minseok stayed reticent, not speaking a word for what seemed like hours. He could hear the unnatural breathing of the other as if hiding his anxiousness and despair.

Sehun's head snapped at the voice that asked an unexpected question. "Is she happy?"

"Huh?"

Minseok specified, this time with a gentler tone. "Is Luhan happy? Is your child… or are your children, happy right now?"

"Yes." Sehun replied despite the cluelessness he felt.

"Are you happy right now?"

On the distressed businessman's face gradually crept a smile; a smile so sweet, a smile of a family man who treasured his family. With conviction, he answered, "yes. Very, very happy. My family is the best choice that I ever made… the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Then never regret anything." Sehun's orbs rounded in shock and for the first time that day, he saw Minseok smiling tenderly at him. "Sure, for so many years, I felt hurt. I blamed everything on you two. I had trust issues. I resented and pushed away those people who truly cared for me, but Se, from that experience, I learned."

Just like the old times, whenever Minseok saw Sehun so battered with emotions, he extended his hands to the other's and clasped them. Minseok smiled warmly at the man whose ducts pooled with tears.

"That experience, together with all the trials I had encountered, were all instrumental to my growth. They molded who I am today. Hearing and seeing you being so happy with Luhan and the family you built, I do not have any regrets. If my feelings were the price to pay for your family… for you two, my beloved friends, to be happy, then I am more than glad that I let you two go."

And just like the old times, Sehun wept, overwhelmed by the forgiveness bestowed towards his heavy laden self. He lowered his head, letting his tears gush down as he sniffled. Minseok suppressed his chuckle upon seeing Sehun's shoulders jerk from so much crying, because afterall, Sehun never changed. He murmured a series of endless 'thank you' while grasping Minseok's hands, the joy of freedom from the torturous guilt he felt for years felt with every word.

"Shut it. You are embarrassing. People may think that I am charging you your debts." Minseok chuckled and patted Sehun's shoulder and head.

"Who cares? I waited for this for years." Sehun shot back that had Minseok playfully shaking his head.

"At least show me some family pictures instead of crying, psh."

"Wait!" Sehun hastily wiped his tears with his arm like a child. He fished for his phone and scampered to sit down beside Minseok to flash his lockscreen, wallpaper and gallery loaded with pictures of his family. The Oh children shared their parents' attractive appearance and good height, and Luhan… sweet Luhan never seemed to have aged. She was so fresh, so youthful, and Minseok was a hundred percent sure that he never saw Luhan this happy before.

Scanning through the pictures and hearing the anecdotes behind them convinced Minseok that Sehun and Luhan were meant to be, and that the family they built may be imperfect yet lovely.

The two friends got ready to part, exchanging a few words before doing so.

"Sehun."

"Mmm?"

"Thank you for doing it."

"Yes?"

"You made her happy, and I found my happiness in someone."

"Someone?"

"Yes. Too bad I let that person go."

"You are Kim Minseok, and one thing I know about you is that if you want to find that person, you can do so. If you need to swim through the oceans just to find your lost loved again, you would do that."

"I don't know if that person is ready… if I am ready."

"Time can only tell. If it's meant to be, then it is bound to happen. You are a good person and I believe that you will one day gain the joy you deserve."

  
  
  


Out of all the old albums Minseok had, he only spared three pictures of his old friends; a photo of them smiling brightly during their school trip, one from their middle school graduation, and a polaroid taken on Minseok's 17th birthday. He smiled as he saw their beaming faces and slipped them in his yearbook.

He gathered all of the others—notably Luhan's pictures and their own photos—together with the letters, cards and gifts he got from his ex. He dumped them in a metal drum, threw in a lit match and watched as they burned to ashes. As the fire swarmed everything that held a memory, the pent up pain and regrets of yesterday dissipated with the smoke. All the burden got lifted from Minseok's shoulders and he never felt as free as he felt at that moment.

"Goodbye." A serene smile painted across his face as he said those words.

  
  


_"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction—they're all just fuel."_

Minseok closed the book. He picked up and caressed the portrait of the one whose memories kept him going.

"I'll find you one day. Wait for me."

  
  
  


Months passed. Minseok grew better.

He smiled more. He managed stress better than before. He could already survive a month without drinking any alcohol. He gained a few pounds as he ate heartily. He was done with his medications and therapeutic sessions.

Minseok was okay. Minseok was finally okay.

He was ready.

He was finally ready, so he decided.

He would go to Gyeonggi.

He would find Kim Jongdae.

A few hours before his trip to Gyeonggi, Minseok intended to visit the city library to return the books he borrowed and perhaps, reminisce the times he spent with the person he would look for.

He bowed politely to the new librarian who obviously shot him heart-filled eyes every time he went there. He roamed around a bit and went to the literary section to see what to read in the future. As he turned to that section, his eyes fell on a petite figure reading a thick book. He wore a cream-colored sweater, definitely not an eye catching color yet his blond, fluffy hair demanded attention. His back faced Minseok as he flipped through the books yet the professor felt his heart thrumming restlessly in his chest.

_It can't be._

He took a step.

Minseok's mind was in haywire.

_Another step._

His clammy hands sweated profusely.

_One step closer._

The smell of citrus invaded his nostrils.

_A step closer._

Minseok could hardly breathe.

_One, two, three, four…_

The petite figure turned to the side a bit, baring his side profile to Minseok whose heart skipped a beat or two.

There stood before him the one he was supposed to look for, more ethereal than ever. He gained more fat on his cheeks yet his cheekbones were still visible. His eyes seemed tired yet they held their signature glint as they moved across the page. His nose moved with every breath and his lips mouthed the words he read. He looked more matured as if he has experienced a lot in those years, yet he still exuded an air of grace and warmth that Minseok fell in love with.

There before him was Kim Jongdae, the love of his life.

"Jongdae." Said man flinched and looked up from the book. He searched for the oh so familiar voice and turned, met with the image of Kim Minseok looking as handsome and lovely as ever.

They stared into each other's eyes, eyes that were pools of various emotions… but one thing was for sure:

In them were longing, gratitude, relief, and love.

"Minseok."

No one knew who first ran and embraced the other but all that was important was that they were finally in the arms of each other again.

"I missed you, hyung. I really did." Jongdae buried his face on Minseok's neck.

Minseok took in the sweet scent of Jongdae's hair. "I missed you so much. I yearned for you every day, every second, every breath. Life felt like hell without you."

"Really?"

"I can't imagine finding anybody to take your place." Jongdae smiled knowingly upon hearing the familiar words.

"You might not find a person that easily, but you could probably find a way without too much trouble."

"That may be true," Minseok quoted the words yet he meant each and every word, "but I almost surely could never find anything to take the place of what we are sharing here and now. You are you and only you. I'm very grateful for that. More grateful than I can say."

"...do you know that it took me almost a year to finish that horrible book?"

"I loved it."

"Not my cup of tea."

"You just have no taste."

"Look who's talking."

Minseok parted from the other and held his hand. "Come home, Jongdae. Let's go home."

Jongdae's lips curled into a smile. "Okay."

\--------

**Quotes**

Norwegian Wood

  * “I want you always remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?”

  * “If you remember me, then I don't care if everyone else forgets.”

After Dark

  * "You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction—they're all just fuel."

1Q84

  * "I can't imagine finding anybody to take your place."

"You might not find a person that easily, but you could probably find a way without too much trouble," Aomame noted.

The dowager looked at Aomame calmly, her lips forming a satisfied smile. "That may be true," she said, "but I almost surely could never find anything to take the place of what we are sharing here and now. You are you and only you. I'm very grateful for that. More grateful than I can say.

**Songs sung in the noraebang**

  * Tears (So Chan Hwee)
  * Goodbye, My Love (Buzz/Min Kyunghoon)
  * It Hurts Because It's Love (Min Kyunghoon)


End file.
